Find each other this way
by Mae'side
Summary: It literally pained him not to tell Arthur what was going on. Knowing the prince could see right through him was one thing, but having to stay silent about the only secret he needed to share with his best friend was quite another.spoilers for 2x13!CH 2!XO
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : Hi everyone, I'm so sorry it's been this long since I checked in. Real life is crazy atm, so I'm not sure how often I'll be able to write. I know I have other stories to finish, and I will! But after last night's episode, I had to write this. It's about the bedroom conversation Merlin & Arthur had, how different things would be if Merlin had actually told Arthur. Because I felt he needed to. **

**Please let me know what you think? It means the world to me!  
This is a one-shot for now, but if you like this and would like me to continue, please say so! I think there's a story here. Not sure if it'll come to me right away, but I feel it's there!**

**XO,  
Mae'side**

Merlin

It literally pained him not to tell Arthur what was going on. Knowing the prince could see right through him was one thing, but having to stay silent about the only secret he needed to share with his best friend was quite another. Tears filled his eyes while Arthur got ready for bed – the bandage on his shoulder being there as a painful reminder of something that had nothing to do with it at all. It was just that..everything seemed too close tonight, yet it was all out of reach. Tomorrow, he would probably meet the man he had wanted to know all his life, the one he had talked to late at night when he was a child, hoping somehow the stars would deliver his messages. If they even got that far.

Balinor probably didn't even know he existed. If he did, he surely would not recognize him. The question was whether Merlin wanted him to. The desire to be close to his father had been overwhelming as a child, but what if he didn't...what if he wasn't...

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"It's something. Tell me." Merlin closed his eyes, praying for Arthur to let it go but hoping he wouldn't. His comforting words, his advice...even his stupid teasing made it better, somehow. And the way he felt something was wrong... though Arthur was still in the dark about his biggest secret of all, he was the one person who really knew Merlin. The one person Merlin really wanted to know.

Arthur sighed a little. "Alright, I know I'm a prince, so we can't be friends."

Arthur

But they were. Over the last few months, they had spent just about every second of the day together, teasing eachother or just being complete prats. The latter was, of course, only his job, but Merlin was always there beside him and he stood tall, taking it all in or sometimes even yelling back. _The worst servant I've ever had._ He rolled his eyes a little. _But, strangely enough, the best friend.._

He knew something was wrong with his servant, he felt it deep inside of him. And it wasn't just today... a few weeks ago Merlin had been dealing with some things as well, but he never let him in. He was determined to deal with it himself. Though he _should_ not care about all of this, he did. Some part of him wanted Merlin to trust him enough to tell him what was going on, to just... something.

"So that means you can tell me," he eventually said, hoping it would be enough.

The room went completely silent after that. The quiet promise dangled in the air on a frail, breakable string that was about to snap any moment, and the man lying in the bed beside him would have to catch it when it fell, or let it crash to the floor.

Merlin turned to him. Despite the distance in between their cots, it somehow felt as if they were sitting side by side, and they could take it all, they could face the monster that somehow hid in Merlin's closet and spun cobwebs in his mind.

"You can't tell anyone," Merlin murmured, "especially not your father, so please, just.."

"It's alright," he said, relieved at this chance he was given. Strange, wasn't it, how a prince could feel glad because of an opportunity his servant had given him, to get closer? "I'm not going to say a word. You can tell me, Merlin." _Please, tell me._

"Before we left this morning, I spoke with Gaius...and he said that this man we are looking for once lived in Ealdor."

He knew where this was going. Arthur looked at Merlin's expression and recalled that it was the same one he had worn the night they had left to find Morgause, when he they had spoken of mothers and fathers they had never known. He'd just not expected this and wondered how Merlin was able to live with a secret of this kind without having anyone to talk to.

"...that he lived with my mother when your father hunted him down and he was forced to go in hiding. Gaius said he's my father."

Merlin

He blinked to rid his eyes of forming tears. He needed to be strong before Arthur – somehow he felt that was his duty. Arthur was the strongest of them both, but Merlin didn't want to seem _weak_ in front of him. He just couldn't break down – he wouldn't.

"The dragonlord?"

He nodded. Arthur turned around and stared up at the ceiling, folding his arms beneath his head. If he was looking for an answer in the cracks, he needn't bother. Merlin had already tried that and it hadn't worked.

"So he's alive...but my father took him from you." There was a tone of regret in Arthur's voice, as if he somehow blamed himself for what had happened.

"Yeah...but that's not your fault."

Arthur grinned. "Well, I didn't _say_ it was _my_ fault, Merlin." He took his pillow and threw it at his friend. For the first time that day, a smile appeared around Merlin's lips. This was exactly what he needed, what he had needed all along. To trust Arthur, to _really_ trust him with a secret, and to know that it would be safe with him. "Do you think he'll know who you are?"

"No." He rolled his lips into his mouth and bit down, hard. "I don't think he even knows he has a son. He's been on his own for so long."

Arthur

"Right."

He couldn't help but feel responsible about this. Of course he hadn't been around for a long time by then, he'd only been a few months old at the most (and it wasn't as if a baby could tell his father not to hunt his future friend's father down). But somehow... if his father hadn't started all of this, Merlin's life would have been better. Happier.

All of a sudden, someone else entered his mind. The one man who had always been there for Merlin, who would do anything to keep him safe. The burden of this secret must have been so heavy on his old, worn shoulders. "What about Gaius?"

Merlin pressed his fists to his eyes, either to keep sleep at bay or to shield them from reality. "He's the one who helped Balinor escape...and brought him to Ealdor. And I said...all the wrong things. He was just trying to protect me."

_I'll protect you, as well._ The thought shot through his mind and he nearly laughed out loud at how stupid it sounded. He _would_ protect Merlin in any situation, even from the man who really was his father. Any wrong move and he'd charge towards him. He'd do that for a friend. "I'm sure he's already forgiven you."

He looked over at the other bed and noticed how tired Merlin was, and how he could finally let himself fall asleep now that he'd been able to speak his fears aloud. Now that he had shared the sadness. He cleared his throat. "Merlin?"

The boy hummed his reply, sleep and exhaustion already claiming him, taking him to a place where he'd be sheltered for a while. Or taunted by the demons that walked beside him.

"Get my pillow, could you?"

* * *

_Please tell me what you think? Please, please, please? I need it right now!!_

_XO, as always  
Mae'side_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : Oh, wow, you guys!! I can't believe how much it has meant to me that you all liked the story so much! It's just amazing! Especially now, when I have to study for my exams, the reviews and support you give me means so much to me! Anyway : good news. It didn't turn out to be a one-shot. (grins) So now, I give you the next chapter, which I really really hope you will like, because I feel like the story started out really well and I would hate to ruin it now.**

**Please tell me what you think? I promise to update this one - AND my other stories (Lullaby and Phoenix) as soon as I can, but these exams are making it pretty hard for me. Anyway, pleaaase review??**

**Xo, as always  
Mae'side**

Merlin

He'd not been able to close his eyes ever since their night-time visitor had disappeared. The words spoken were haunting and Merlin feared them to be visionary. What if he would one day share his father's fate – waste away without the very breath of life, without companionship or the ability to recall memories filled with laughter and love and… friendship. He could not bear the thought. Glancing to his right, he noticed Arthur sound asleep and envied him. Although he was grateful, too.

Standing from the cot, he walked over the small window that granted him a view of the inn's courtyard. It was silent and still. Nothing moved and no one cried out into the night. Everyone at ease tonight. Quietly, he pulled on his boots and tore the blanket that had kept him warm, from its secure place. The iron softly clicked as it released the fabric.

The stars were ever present. Soft light to comfort him, to speak the soothing words that he needed to hear. Because they would not leave him, not now, not in any possibly reality. Friends forever.

His own hand struck his cheek, hard and fast. It was this silly ritual that kept him centred when he was near collapse. It taught him how to be strong, it ordered him to stay collected. Because ever since he had stepped foot in Camelot and learnt of his destiny, there was an odd presence that moved in on his heart, forbidding him to ever show this weakness. Always a secret to be kept. He now had a purpose in life and his tears did not fit into the plan.

The door swung open behind him and angry footsteps hurried his way. He paid no mind, he just kept company with the silent orbs of fire that gazed upon them all. "If you _ever_ do that again…"

He turned slowly, not fully understanding why on this earth the prince was so enraged with him. He had only come for fresh air to clear his head, to gather his thoughts into a well ordered bunch. "What?"

"Don't you ever disappear in the middle of the night again, Merlin." Well, at least some good had come of tonight. Merlin felt the urge to smile when he finally deducted the emotion flying over Arthur's face. It wasn't anger, he realized now, it was worry. He had actually been _worried _to find Merlin's bed empty. But he couldn't show his happiness because that would make his friend feel like a fool. If there was one thing Arthur didn't appreciate, it was being played for one.

"I'm sorry." His voice sounded as if he'd been on a binge for several nights in a row, a certain hoarseness to every syllable. "I didn't… think." He added the last bit purely for Arthur's own entertainment. It was the least he could do.

Arthur sighed dramatically, a smirk appearing around his lips. _Good._ Let this amuse him. "Why doesn't that surprise me? You _never_ think, Merlin." Their gazes crossed and he noticed that despite the blanket wrapped around his boyish shoulders, Merlin shivered with cold. "Get some sleep. We have a big day ahead of us."

-

They went on foot the next day, determined not to draw any attention to themselves whatsoever. If Cenred _did_ notice their presence, at least they would not have to hurry to dismount their horses. If danger presented itself, they would be ready to fight. Well, that, and 'the cave where Balinor dwelled' wasn't really that far from where they had spent the night. Arthur had not spoken of what happened during that time and he remained silent, even now.

Which meant that something was wrong. Merlin stopped short near a patch of grass to allow their horses a small snack and without asking the prince for his consent, he took the reigns from his royal hands. "Are you going to tell me what's going on with you today?"

Arthur played the innocent one and so Merlin ventured on. "_So, Merlin, your father lives in a cave, then? Well, *that* explains a lot.._" he paused, waiting for the smile to appear around Arthur's lips, but all he got was a frown and a drowsy – eyed stare.

"What?"

"I've been waiting for it all morning…and it never came. So what's wrong?"

"Wait a minute.." Arthur's hand drew circles in the air in front of them, trying to find a mathematical structure for what his servant had just said. "Just because I wasn't mean to you makes you think something is _wrong_ with me? Flattering."

"It's the wound, isn't it." Merlin moved closer to him. Arthur took a few steps back… and could not keep from groaning when his shoulder bumped into the horse's flank, the pain shooting across his face. Merlin grinned. "See? I knew it. Let me take a look."

Arthur

Well, alright. Of course his back hurt like crazy, but he could not afford to waste any thought on the pain – he needed to constantly keep his mind searching for the solution to the problem that was threatening his people. It didn't matter if _he_ was wounded, he owed it to them and to the kingdom to keep on moving forward, to bite away the throbbing spikes of pain that shot through his flesh.

He hissed when Merlin pulled away the tunic and peered under the gauze. A curse passed through his lips. "Damn it."

"Arthur, get down!" Merlin pulled him to the dirty soil, his hand still a comforting presence around the wounded area, and the warmth that spilled from him, combined with the opportunity to rest, made Arthur feel more than a little sleepy. He allowed himself to close his eyes, just for a second.. knowing Merlin could be trusted to keep him safe while the enemy soldiers patrolled the forest.

It was peaceful here, he realized. It was… perfect.

Merlin

His falcon eyes followed the soldiers as they went straight past them, on to the next patch of ground where they would – no doubt – encounter nothing but peaceful citizens. No one dared to venture out here ever since the truce had been broken, for Cenred's men were known to be ruthless. Who would want to?

He slowly shook Arthur, afraid to make matters even worse. Arthur wore his grin like a shield and only few were able to break through the façade and see the truth underneath the showpiece. He'd known something was wrong when the prince did not make his usual jokes – for goodness sake, had the roles been reversed, even _he_ would have teased about this. "Arthur?"

The body lolled backwards, falling into his side and nearly smacking him onto the ground. Merlin's hands reached between their bodies and he pushed the prince a little, despair rising in his throat. "Great."

Laying Arthur across his horse with … difficulty, he gave him a supportive pat on the back. "The important thing is not to fall," he murmured before mounting his horse, letting Arthur's steed trot along. Every once in a while, he would cast a worried glance and – thank god – noticed the prince had not slid off his horse… yet.

Then he picked up on the scent of roasted pork and burning branches. He closed his eyes for a minute, revelling in it. Without hesitation, he descended and tied both horses to a nearby tree. "We're here," he told Arthur, and he went to find the man who was his father. Alone. Wishing he would not be.

-

The fire swept high into the air, the flames licking at the meat. He watched for a moment, transfixed by the spectacle. Then Arthur came to mind…and Gaius, Gwen and the whole of Camelot, and he forced himself to move closer.. to call out his greeting.

"Hello?" His voice was shaking and he actually felt relieved for a minute that no one answered. He could try again… sound more confident this time… more worthy of a…

An arm snaked around his throat, pulling tight, cutting of the air supply – and even though Merlin had just last night considered the stars his truest friends, when they appeared in front of his eyes this time, he prayed for them to leave. A harsh, ragged breath blew warm air to his ear and it just bounced back, but not before leaving a tingling sensation. Something that soon spread through his body, leaving him feeling numb and weak… a victim. He struggled.

"Why are you here?" He felt, rather than heard, the words, a rumbling sensation close to his spine. The voice was deep and it seemed to have, over time, lost its strength. It was just near a whisper.

"My friend!" he cried. "He's sick and he needs help.. I smelled the fire, and I thought…"

The man released him… it was more of a push, really… and Merlin stumbled forward, his hands only just protecting him from the rocks that lay on the ground. One particular bit of stone cut his palm and a tiny stream of blood appeared. But none of that mattered, because _this_ was his father.. and he would finally meet him – after all these years.

He turned around. At first, his eyes – still maladjusted to the darkness – tricked him into believing that there was nothing but a figure surrounded by the light. No face, no voice and no heart at all. The rays of the light outside framed him perfectly. He was a tall man, built like Arthur was. Gwen had once described him as 'one of those rough tough save the world kind of men' and that was exactly what Balinor looked like to his son.

Yet he would not save the world. It had abandoned him.

The man took a step forward, the look in his eyes not portraying any kind of emotion.. he was numb, it seemed. Broken.

"Show me."

* * *

_Oh, pleaaase, pleaaaase tell me? Yes, I'm aware of the fact that I sound sad and pathetic (giggles) but I could use everything you give me, because these exams are hard! And annoying! And ... well, you get the point. I'll see you soon!_

_Xo, as always  
Mae'side_


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